Monday, August 16, 2021

Schizo!

 I don't know exactly what I want to say today.  I am looking for a few real humans.  It seems like everyone I meet on the internet is a scammer.  It's not actually everyone but the largest majority.  Everyone has their faults.  I am pretty shabby in my possessions and clothes and looks.  Still in all, I do not have monogamous relationships with half a dozen people on the internet that I am grifting from.  I am not looking for iTunes and Amazon cards.  I am not trying to convert you to a religious doctrine, I have my beliefs and practices.  At the core of my life is the practice of silent, sitting meditation.  I do not have a career and a "good" job.  I guess by today's standards I am kind of a moron.  

I probably will not try to cheat you.  I have my own problems and I feel that either I can solve them, or friends, relatives or professionals might be able to help.  If I cannot fix it by legitimate means, I am just shit out of luck.  Fortunately, maybe because I have had to face and figure out how to solve a lot of problems in my life, I am more than usually intelligent and able to do things, whatever it is that I need to do.  I still have been scammed, even recently.  I just am not waiting around for those empty promises of help with my life from external sources.  There is an old idea that you sometimes have to take the bull by the horns, and wrestle with the problem by yourself to get anything done.

I am clinically diagnosed with schizophrenia.  Schizophrenia is a funny "disease" where one becomes aware of realities embedded in this life experience.  It really throws people for a loop when you see something like a schizophrenic riding a radio dial and mixing tunes like a dj with a box of vinyls and computer bank of digitals.  I have seen it done.  Schizophrenia is an acute awareness of reality, but with the sacrifice of general knowledge of the common earth experience we share.  I am trying to grope towards an accurate description of schizophrenia. Schizophrenia seems to be specialized knowledge of reality but a closing off of general knowledge of reality.  Medication can help balance out an individual and bring them back into the consensus reality.  

Mentally ill individuals are considered the lowest of the low in western society.  I had met someone who was a career felon, at one point in my life who told me I was lucky that he would associate with me, because of my mental illness.  I was kind of , "Well, ok.  I am not really anxious to associate with you if I don't have to.", privately to myself, and we maintained a cordial but separate relationship.  I am not really getting down on felons.  I have known some but they are not pursuing a life of crime so there has to be some levels where they sre admitted back into society and allowed a legal living.  The mentality ill are distrusted and shunned and factually the mentality ill can be disruptive, most especially if they are refusing treatment, but not likely to harm anyone.  That's not totally true, but consider the common fact of gun violence in our society.  Less than 5% is committed by the acknowledged mentality ill.  Most acts of gun violence are committed by angry white males, and they are aberrant but they are  accepted  I do not know the statistics by percentages, caucasian, non caucasian, male, female, but that is my perception.  Anyway, I know what is good for me and I take my medicine as instructed, daily.  I live as honestly as my "normal" neighbor and no I'm not a scam.

Wednesday, January 13, 2021

The Death of Norberta Lewis

 I was with my mother, Norberta Lewis, when she died last April, 2020.  The day started out with a later start, as I had telemedicine at 15:00 - 15:30 Central time USA on April 23.  It was a new moon.  I left the telemedicine call and tried my hardest to get to the hospital but I could not make myself move.  I had not had coffee and I finally took the time to make a pot of coffee and have a cup.  I made it to the hospital at close to 17:20 and the doctor was gone for the day.  They told me that I did not have to wear the protective gowns and things they had had me wearing yesterday.  

This stay in the hospital had only lasted a few days. The doctor had explained that he was getting a response from the treatment he was giving her for her liver but her kidneys were not doing well, the day before.  Her prognosis was guarded, at best.  He did say that she might pass that night, but I was sure she would not, tomorrow another day.  I was correct.  I went home on that night, April 22. 

Again, April 23, when I walked into the room and looked at my mother, I knew the gig was up.  She was certainly and definitely dying.  I am certain that she had had a fit and had tried tearing the IVs out, judging by the blood traces on her arms and the fact that she was no longer hooked up to all the monitors and mechanizations that 21st century medicine has relied on since late in the 20th century and will probably improve on but not abandon until perhaps. later this century when even more radical refinement and improvement might remove the need for monitors placed on the patient's body.  She was aware that I was there and she tried unsuccessfully to speak a few times, twisting her head and flapping her jaw.  After an attempt or two I told her that it was too late, that she was dying and just to relax.  She was pulling at a monitor block adhered to her forehead.  I went out to to the nurses' station, and asked them to remove any monitors, and mentioned the sensor on her forehead.  A nurse went in.  The sensor was not even connected.  All I could do was to help her get comfortable.  I had arranged her pillows so her neck was straightened and she could lie comfortably, and the sensor mom was swiping at was removed.

After mom was lying comfortably I sat on a chair on the right side of her bier and held her hand lightly.  I had a set of prayer beads in my pocket.  It was an orange stone bead mala that HH Sakya Trizen had given me.  I prayed Vajrasattva.  Vajrasattva is associated with the hundred deities of the mandala of peaceful and wrathful deities of the Bardo of Reality, after the Bardo of the Moment Before Death.  Each of these deities represents an organ of the body, a psychological state or a function of living.  I did not cry or feel sadness.  I felt an exhilaration at being there.  I tried to speak to her calmly and clearly to simply relax and let go.  It was too late to stop her from dying.  There was only the possibility of guiding her gently to the end.  She endured so much to raise her family.  She endured so much to maintain her personhood.  In my final analysis, it was an honor to attend the death of such a fine warrior.  

We sat quietly, I watched her and prayed on my mala as she relaxed.  Her eyes closed and she was taking, quiet, labored breaths that rattled in her lungs.  But she was calm.  And then her arm stretched out and lifted my hand, I stood up with the rising of her arm.  It felt like a heavy weight was clinging to my hand.  At that time the room flooded with medics, nurses and CNAs and Physician's Assistants.  More than one of the women there, as I was the only male in the room, was taking turns going over her front and back with stethoscopes.  Then they all left and my mother's arm had relaxed and was once again lying at her side on the bed, I was still lightly grasping her hand.  One woman, who I thought might be a Tibetan, I never asked her but she had the look of a Tibetan woman, stayed after the group had left and was still going over her with her stethoscope.  She was a PAC and I noted that my fingers were lightly on my mother's upturned wrist, and that there was no pulse, which I said, and the PAC noted and pronounced her dead at 7:20 pm (19:20).  Her veins or blood vessels were a brilliant royal blue.  

I had already made a request for the Catholic rite of Extreme Unction be performed when I had spoken to the nurses when I had come in, and had asked them about taking any sensors off.  There was no priest at the time of death, but I left the room after the death, I think at the request of the staff.  I went into the visitor's lounge and started texting my siblings.  I first called Eric, my father's first, and of another mother, but Eric has been a pillar in the family as a counselor and source of support and responsibility.  As I was going out to my car to have a cigar and text my other siblings, I saw the priest walk out.  He was not a priest who I had seen at Saint Patrick's in Mauston, where the hospital was.  He seemed somehow upset, maybe at being called so abruptly.  

After my cigar and text messaging I asked if it was alright to go back into mom's room.  The staff had arranged her body straight and flat, removed the pillows from below her head and tucked her body in a blanket around her.  I kissed her on the forehead and said goodbye.  Her body still radiated a soft balanced pulse that flowed easily outward, and glowed faintly.  This was my perception.

Tuesday, January 12, 2021

Self acceptance and rejection (This has nothing to do with the subject of the blog piece. Really journal notes from late 2018 )

I have been working and working away at a lot of things.  My mother had been ill since before Christmas Eve, 2018, but had a flu around then.  We have been getting a concentrated winter where at the end of January it became bitter cold and the temperatures fell to 20 or 30 below 0 in Farenheit degrees.  We have gotten 12 to 18 inches of snow all within the last few weeks.  It seems that the coldest section of the winter has shifted from January to early February..  I am forced to stay indoors  often and I am inevitably stuck because my van hasn't been working right in this cold.  So there are times when I am very isolated.  My van is fixed now.  Really what it needed was a new battery.

Monday, September 10, 2018

The Universe Within

The Universe Within

Gregory Lewis


The world is a funny place that lives inside out and outside in.  Your eyes see the outside of yourself, internally, for instance.  Or your skin feels the outside world, internally.  All of the senses, seeing, hearing, touching, tasting, smelling, and the sense of touch, sense the outside world, internally.  We sense what is “out there” within the context of our internal sense of I.

We sense what is primarily in near proximity to us through the surface of our bodily boundaries within the near void of our minds.  There is no space in our minds.  There is nothing that can be said of our minds that is not really metaphor, metaphor that can describe the space of our minds.  Even though the word space is used to describe the experience of our mind, it is not actually so.  There is no space.  There really is no existant.  There is only the consciousness of an ever changing “now” and it is related to an ever changing “me”.  

Take for instance the concept of “now”.  When is the now?  Every second is a new now.  Every division of a second is a now.  What is the now?  The past has disappeared.  The future does not yet exist.  The now cannot be named.  Now cannot be fixed and labeled.  Now is a concept, rather than a true existence.    

As well, who am I?  What is me?  I am here in this room.  That much seems to be true.  It also seems that I am this body and internal awareness.   We are not only the body.  A dead corpse may be said to be “so and so” but we no longer consider “so and so” to be existant.  We consider them to be deceased and to be no more.  The corpse will be taken apart by whatever forces of nature act upon it and too will cease to be.  We no longer consider a corpse a personage.  We no longer consider a corpse to be a human being.  The corpse of myself is not me.  Moreover I am the only one who can even somewhat identify my mind.  What I call “myself”, is a composite of the complex of my mind and body in a functioning form.  We do not know really by external observation how these parts, the body and the awareness of the body, are related.  We can observe ionic connection between nervous tissue that seems indicative of the nature of the function of the impulse.  It should seem obvious that the awareness of the body and mind is a function of these reactions.  Awareness it seems, is the product of electro-chemical impulses.  

If you look more deeply there may be a quibble that one could make with the theory of chemical reactions producing awareness.  I do agree that electrochemical impulses are what transmit information about our current world state to our awareness.  What I cannot explain in this is how electrochemical reactions become the elaborate multidimensional display of sensation that we call existence.  There needs to be something intervening between the nerve impulses and a representational awareness.  There needs to be an awareness that maintains the integrity of the physical system in awareness.  This therefore demands that there is a level of actuation that is aware of the body and the body as a cognizing instrument on a higher level, where the body is conceived as such and so.  Moreover this relative integrity of body and personal awareness is maintained even in times of sleep, unconscious and coma.  The inner awareness is cognizant of the physical body and maintains it in relatively similar shape, in accordance with the circumstances of the body.   

What happens when we are interlocked with the world?  Our eyes see, our ears hear, our nose smells, our mouths taste, and our skin feels.  These senses all transmit their sensations to the central nervous system where it is processed by the complete body/brain. complex  Some sensations do indeed cause reactions that are much too fast to have been processed and responded to by transmission and response by the brain.  They have to have been processed and responded to more locally, perhaps as distant as the spinal cord.   Note however that external stimulus must be converted to nerve impulses.  To do this the original information that caused a nervous transmission must be limited to the information of only the type of information of the sense channel(s) it is using.  There must be filtering  of information to what is appropriate to each channel.   At the interface of the channel with the external world, the sensory stimulus is converted to a basic nerve impulse type appropriate to the sense channel type.  For instance, the rods and cones of the eye retina convert photon input into impulses representing forms and colors.   But the eyes do not perceive directly.  They do indeed convert light to representational nerve impulses to form a frame image.   Then each eyes’ nerve bundle splits and the optic nerves transmit  each eye “image” to both hemispheres of the brain.  Is it possible that we could be missing something with a nervous system filtering and picking up only a small part of radioactive wavelengths available to our eyes.  A similar process takes place in all the perceivable vibratory wavelengths that our body can sense.  The sensation at the interfacing sense organ causes nervous impulses to be generated, and an abstract of the sensation is constructed from these sensations in our brain/body complex and is recognized as the reality we experience.  But, it is not the reality.  At best it is a simulation of a limited subset of stimulus that is the “reality” of what we are experiencing.  It is a simulation within our awareness.  The fact that it is a simulation should have us asking questions.  The implication is that the entire world that we experience is a simulation, and it is.  

As a personage in this world I, like you have a body and I am aware of “myself” as myself.  I am aware of myself and of the world around me.  But my perceptions are not your perceptions.  Even though we may be viewing the same, for instance, coffee mug, my perception of the mug is my own and your perception is your own.  We do not even have the same view of the mug.  Lets say the “coffee mug” is sitting on a table in front of us both, you the reader and I the writer.  Immediately we must notice that we do not occupy the same physical space.  Therefore, “you” and “I” are looking at a completely different view of the coffee mug.   I might, for instance see more of the handle of the mug than is afforded at the angle at which you are viewing.  And if we were to trade places and actually be able to look at the mug from exactly the same angle and declination, the time at which we view this mug must be different and not simultaneous.  We probably do not coincide on a subjective level on the view of the coffee mug.  I may be thinking how I might have slept more last night while you may be thinking you have drunk too much coffee today already, or whatever it is that we feel while viewing the “coffee mug”, or whatever we are viewing, with someone.  So you see, we would differ on three aspects at least, the physical perspective, the temporal perspective and our own emotional valence toward the coffee mug, and the contents of each of our minds is to each of us an individual experience.  

We do inhabit only our own space of mind.  Although we inhabit a common world with others, our unique place in that world is ours alone.  Our experience of ourselves is ours alone.  Even our experience of others is ours alone.  We may share common perceptions of another with another (of the second or third party) but we never have the exact same experience.  For almost the same reasons as why we do not exactly share the perception of “the coffee mug”, we do not share a common experience with respect to each other.  We do not share the same experience, no matter how similar.  

You will not experience anything outside of your own self.  Even if you were to meet God, you would not experience God outside of your own experience.  Nor do you experience yourself as outside of your own experience.  The entirety of your experience is within your own experience.   t is somewhat a convoluted statement.  It is tautological. 


So our experience being entirely within our own awareness, lets get back to an earlier theme we have the standard 5 senses and the mind, eyes, ears, nose, tongue, and skin.  There is something that allows us to sense weight and something that senses gravity, these are not included in the traditional schema of 5 senses.  There may be other abilities of the senses.  The mind, for instance, recognizes and distinguishes, emotes, and reasons as well as being the basis on which our self is posited.  Getting back to nervous impulses, our nervous impulses simulate the experience which we are aware of.  They break down and recreate an experience in our awareness that we call our reality.  The key to this is that they recreate an experience.  These experiences define our physical world.  They are simulations, however.  It is not necessary that they are actually “there”, “out there somewhere”, but that they are experienced as “out there”.  In a more absolute sense these experiences are experienced in the mind.  The only experience that we can possibly have is within our mind.  Implicitly, the experience of our body, cells, DNA, atoms, subatomic particles and megaformations such as galaxies and the universe.  All of it is only a simulation within our minds.  

That experience occurs only in the mind cannot be proven or disproven.  We say that we both see a coffee mug, therefore the coffee mug exists.  This we say is an objective proof of the reality of the coffee mug.  However the contradiction that comes in is that though I experience you and the coffee mug, both are experiences within our minds.  Factually, there is no objective referent that exists external to our mind.  The so, called, “objective” witness to experience exists in our own mind.  There actually is no objective referant. 

Things exist as their own entities. Molecules must have a sense of integrity as a molecule, even though the awareness may be a more mechanistic awareness of electromagnetism and valences and the neutrality of complete electron shells or the electric attraction of an incomplete electron shell.  There is a molecular formation and an awareness appropriate to its entity, the recognition of positive, negative and neutral electromagnetic charge.  That is a paradigm common to the formation of different elemental atoms.  They are stable in one configuration and unstable in other formations.  Proton counts determine the type of the element and electromagnetic attractive properties, along with the electron count.   Proton, neutron and electron counts determine the atomic stability and electromagnetic attractive properties.  That each element occupies a distinct place in the periodic classification, and has unique properties suggests that perhaps there is an awareness operating within the formation of each element.  

That there are phenomenon that are operating in the same arena as ourselves, which are beyond the normal unaided senses in order to be aware of, suggests that there is a meta level to the mind beyond this level of awareness of objects and beings of our worlds.   Something holds our collective awareness such that we perceive similar experiences.  The coffee mug that you see is as much in common with the coffee mug that I see, such that we agree in the general idea that there is a coffee mug.  This is Jung’s collective unconscious, this is Buddhist, karma held in common.  

I want to pursue the idea of a self again.  What is the self?  Where is the self?  We undoubtedly experience a self.  That is our ostensible experience.  Our self is considered to be our body first of all.  But if a surgeon excised a part of one, does one call that myself?  The self of the body is composed of parts but these parts cannot be called the self because a self remains after a part of the body is taken from it.  Nor can the experiences of the self define the self.  A completely blind person cannot perceive form, for instance.  Yet the blind individual is a self.  So the senses compose a self but are not essential in themselves to a self.   And the self that we compute and feel, the psychological self, is not composed of one identity.  An emotion such as joy evokes an identity that is different from the identity evoked by anger, as example.  Each being, situation, and circumstance in our life evokes identities that we act from, and guide our thought toward oneself.  This further ideation is what we identify as oneself in the present tense and becomes further identification of the self.  There is no, one, identification that we can call our self.  There is no complete set of ideations of identity because we continuously are forming new identities, therefore there can be no group of identities we can call the self.  Time and space are interrelated in that they both are measures of change and differential   There is no fixed now, but only an approximation of now.  Space is defined by its objects, and the hallmark of space is the differential of prominence of objects with shifts in awareness.  So, we can find nothing that is an absolute self, or an absolute world.  What is labeled “the self” and “the world” are terms we use loosely, as a reference point for sums of approximations.




It is therefore somewhat of a delusion to chase those things of this world, but one acts in this world because one is part of this world, not that it is an absolute reality, but because it is.



Wednesday, August 9, 2017

Empty as a cloud

People look at me like I am crazy about laughing at the curtent situation, Donald Trump, President and the problems associated with a Republican majority in House, Senate, and the Presidentcy.  It is all true and we the people are going to be following with a pooper scooper for awhile after D. J. Trump is out of office.  How terrible!  A lot of people would say that and I think it is all uncannily silly and at times, uproariously funny.  Well, where's the joke someone might ask.  The joke is on you, on all of us.  Hillary was going to be a shoe in.  She did get the majority of the vote.  But Trump took the Electoral vote and really is the President of the United States. How wickedly twisted!  And "A few patriotic Russian hackers" ( Vladimir Putin, around May sometime 2017) may have influenced the vote.  At this moment, Congress and the FBI are looking into it.  I think it is hilarious!  Sorry kids.  See the thing is, that this life too is emptiness, just a cloud blowing your mind.  It is not that the situation is not serious, as it is with every President, we all have to live the life we do.  Changing our life circumstances is changing our karma.  Be cheerful in your lives though, and don't be a part of whatever bad is happening.  Be cheerful in the transformation of American politics, even though only a dream. 

Monday, May 8, 2017

Meditation Is Not It Either

People see me post day after day a notice that I have done 60 or 61 or like tonight 72 minutes of sitting meditation.  Yoga is not only a method of raising your consciousness to some level of exhalted bliss. Yoga is much more about what you do in the other 23 hours of the day.  Do you use your sensitivity to construct a positive life around you?  Are you building a healthy mindscape for you to live in?  Are you developing your intelligence to solve your life problems?  Are you building a healthy external atmosphere that brings happiness,  to be, in this world and joy in the life you are leading.  Meditation is a tool that you can use to refresh your mind and resolve negative ego issues. It is not some big ego offloading thing but just the ability to quiet incessant tugs of desires long enough to let ego structure settle into a more healthy happy, compassionate and loving mindframe, like nature fills in weak structures by ccollapsing into the weak and fills with stronger structure.  And this is not candyass advice.  Most people are always complaining about their lives.  Meditation is a tool that allows you to do something about it, starting with the person in the mirror.

Sunday, January 31, 2016

Dharma Means Truth

In Sanscrit Dharma means "truth"  as a one word English synonym.  Truth and adherence to the truth was considered as religious practice to the ancient Indus Valley civilization.  Truth too,  has levels of meaning.  There are relative and ultimate truths in our own existence.  There is the dharma, or truth of the chair in which I am sitting.  There are also truths in the words we speak and the actions we commit and to the replay value of the stories of our lives as we relive them in memory.  Dharma is also the truth of enlightened but realization of real Dharma is a reflection of the truth with which we live our lives.